Apologies

Apologies have always been really difficult for me to say or even write.  For a long time I didn’t know why I felt so anxious and scared when I even thought about having to apologize. For everyone else, apologies meant a chance to start anew and cleanse mistakes. I don’t feel that way.  When I apologize it causes me a lot of stress so I avoid apologies as often as I can.  Similarly, I avoid situations where I might make a mistake that needs an apology. I am what is called a non-apologist, though it’s more commonly known as being stuck up. It really sucks because I feel just as much remorse for a mistake as anyone else.  I honestly don’t mean to withhold apologies, they are just so scary to me and they cause me a lot of distress.  Even after I give an apology I have to focus on calming myself down so no one notices how uncomfortable I am.

I usually spend most of my energy wondering whether or not the recipient actually accepted my apology or just said they did because that is what we have been told to say.  Like when someone asks “how are you?” and you respond with “good” or “fine” because saying that you aren’t okay isn’t widely acceptable.

Sometimes I feel bad for things that I didn’t choose, like my sexuality and my childhood.  When I talk to some of my friends who are everything but straight I feel the urge to apologize for my own heterosexuality and the things that other straight people have done to them.  When people confide in me (which happens a lot, strangely) I feel like I have to apologize because I didn’t have as hard of a life as they did growing up and I’m not sure how to help them.  In fact, my life was pretty great considering what ghosts most people are walking around with. A lot of times I have to stop myself from feeling that way and remind myself that those things are out of my control.